My Mission Chronicles

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The next morning was Sunday and mass at 7am. I had not been to a Roman Catholic mass in a long time. As I have said, the chapel is truly beautiful and I was looking forward to attending despite my own beliefs about the religion. All of the children were in attendance as were the Nuns, Mariel, Elena and I. The beautiful part of it was you could tell that the children wanted to be there. They seemed to find a sense of tranquility and safety here as was evident by their participation. It was a real treat when one of the Nuns began to play the guitar, Madre played the tambourine, and everyone began to sing. The little boys kept time by banging the pews on beat with the music, using them as an impromptu drum. I smiled at Carlito while he was banging away and he returned huge grin. Although I couldn’t follow the words, the mass was similar to my own Episcopal services so I didn’t feel out of sync. And while I didn’t understand the priest’s sermon in Spanish, when everyone began laughing at something he said, it was evident that he had a sense of humor. This was refreshing and I was glad to see that religion need not be “mucho serioso” all the time here.

After mass and a breakfast of scrambled eggs (yes, real scrambled eggs made by Sor M&M!) we left for La Finca, taking Allison with us. The drive was pleasant and I saw different areas of Nicaragua that I had not seen or known before. We drove through a city on the way, Jinotepe I think, and stopped briefly at a large church there. Madre spoke to someone and then hopped back in the truck. As we moved out of the city and back into the country, closer to the farm, we stopped to pick up three more nuns. We were already packed into the truck so two of the nuns sat on Madre in the front seat and the other squeezed in with the 4 of us in the back. Apparently these were the same nuns that lived at La Finca and they had walked into town for Sunday mass. They were easily 2 miles away from church when we found them on their return walk with another 1 mile to go; can you imagine a 6 mile trip to attend mass? That’s impressive!

The main farm building was not what I expected. It was large, open and spacious. And while it was not new, it did not seem to be in the same state of disrepair so evident at el Crucero. The nuns living area in the center of the building was pristine and the surrounding areas had terracotta floor tiles swept clean and large windows.

Allison had recognized three nuns and went happily off with them. Madre then took Mariel, Elena and I out for a tour. What I saw brought a huge smile to my face. This was a working farm! There were many types of produce and fruit being grown in orderly and well tended gardens. There were hundreds of tomatoes plants staked with strong branches and string, squash, peppers, rows and rows of red beans, watermelon, pumpkin, corn, and guava, mango, orange, mandarin and spice trees. And a few fruits I’d never even heard of! I was amazed and told Madre so.

She said that there biggest problem was not enough manpower to harvest and in the past, they had local workers do this for a 50/50 split of the produce. Her new plan was to hire a local family that they knew that would live and work at the farm, tend it and harvest it Then the Nuns would sell the produce at local markets and supermarkets. With this much produce; this would surely reap good profits. This woman was a dynamic business woman as well! I told her this and she laughed and hugged me.

At one point, Madre stood holding a shovel that consisted of a strong tree branch and a shovel head tied on with twine in one hand and talking on her cell phone on the other. The incongruousness of this made me laugh out loud.

We worked our way back to the house, stopping to see what was left of the animals that the boys hadn’t sold out from under them. A herd of something that looked like a cross between a sheep and a goat ran by and there were also a bunch of chickens walking about eating what they found on the ground.
Once inside the house, the Nuns served us a refreshing cold drink (they had a working refrigerator) made of juice from one of the nameless Nicaraguan fruits on the farm. This was the same small yellow fruit that Madre had asked me to take a bite out of while we were walking. I did so and although I didn’t eat it, I didn’t mind the taste. The fruit drink was very good.

Mariel and Elena went off to collect guava and mangos to bring back with them. I took this opportunity to take a walk by myself back up in to the fields. As I walked, I discovered Allison with one of the Nuns and our driver, trying to get some small fruit down from a large tree. After throwing sticks at the fruit, the driver climbed into the tree and began shaking the branches. As the fruits fell, Allison squealed with delight as she ran around helping the Sister to pick them up and put them in the bucket. I left her happily helping.

Farther up I encountered a pathway created by rain runoff with an army of ants marching up, each one holding a small piece of a leaf. There were thousands of them going by, oblivious to me or anything else. They were so industrious and I stopped to watch.

The tranquility of this place had seeped in and I felt a peace that I hadn’t known in a while. The sky was a beautiful blue, large white clouds and a comfortable temperature provided a different picture of Nicaragua. There was so much potential here; and it seemed that Madre was well on her way to reaping the benefits that would help them all. I let the peace of the place and the knowledge that good things were happening restore me.

Spending more time than I realized, I returned to find everyone waiting for me. We said “adios” to the 3 Sisters and piled back into the truck. After about 30 minutes, we arrived at the coffee farm in Masatepe. This was an added bonus as we didn’t know we would be traveling here as well. Madre had some business to take care of here but before she did so, she gave us a tour.

This facility is where the Novices come to study to be a nun. It is also a retreat center used by visitors who pay to do so, a coffee bean farm, and the local church. It was clearly self-sustaining. The retreat area was lovely with plants purposely planted for beauty and appeal, a gazebo to enjoy the gardens and immaculately tiled floors on the walkways. There were numerous buildings including a large chapel/church that was beautifully maintained as all chapels in Nica seemed to be.

Madre left us to walk around, while Allison was again happy to play with people that she knew. Two of the young woman that had been at El Crucero and at Juan Pablo were there, Olga and Iveth, and she was happy to accompany them. Apparently, the nuns, the children and young adults all moved between facilities frequently.

Mariel, Elena and I walked through the coffee bean trees. I found it fascinating as I had never seen coffee growing before and the small green beans, not yet ready for harvest, covered every tree. The plants were strong and healthy-looking and well tended. I asked Madre later on about selling coffee which I know she planned to do. I also asked if she would have decaf available since this was not easy to find and she said yes. She explained that her brother had a coffee farm and he had given her guidance on what was needed. I know we will be able to help her sell this when it is harvested.

We were served a lovely lunch of chicken, rice, cabbage slaw and plantains. After a while, Madre came to collect us and we started our return trip to El Crucero. Once there, Madre told us the driver would bring me back to the MoH compound and would also drop off Mariel and Elena. We went to get our bags and I began to say goodbye to the children. I didn’t like this part at all.

Unfortunately or fortunately, there weren’t many of them around but a few of the ever present little boys were. Kenneth, a serious little boy with pretty eyes and a shy smile, came up and put his arm around my waist and demanded to know when I would return. The tears I was trying to hold back started to come anyway and I choked out a “no se” as I really didn’t know when I would be returning. He wasn’t happy with that answer and started to press me further. “Enero?” January? “Febrero?” February? Again I told him I didn’t know as my mind reeled with chaos. When could I return? I just wasn’t sure but I didn’t like to think about not seeing all of them for a long period of time. Of course, I couldn’t convey any of this to him so I smiled down at him, squeezed him hard and kissed his forehead.

Sor M&M had been busy making cards with the children to give to their sponsors. I had given her a list matching each child up with their sponsors. In a few cases, due to attrition and non-renewals of sponsorships this year, there were some children without sponsors listed. I intended to re-shuffle sponsorship assignments when I returned home as we now had a number of new children to add to the program, but in the meantime, Carlito didn’t have a sponsor next to his name. Sor M&M questioned me about this and when I started to say, I would be assigning a new sponsor, I stopped and looked at Carlito’s hopeful little face. When I saw what began to be a crestfallen disappointment, I knew I needed to come up with a better answer. Luckily, Mariel solved the problem by volunteering that her mother Rita planned to sponsor a child and the issue was resolved. Carlito was very happy to know that his Madrina’s name was Rita.

Madre had suggested that I not say goodbye to Allison as this would most likely upset her. Not so much because I was leaving but because she wouldn’t be. I understood this of course but was disappointed not to be able to give her a kiss and hug until next time.

The truck was waiting and the three of us began to walk over to the main house to say goodbye to Madre. Sor M&M was going to follow shortly as she was still working on the cards. She seems to enjoy making them and was painstakingly cutting out flowers when I left her.

Madre was waiting by the door but she was not going to make the ride with us as it would only be a waste of what was left of the afternoon. I was not looking forward to saying goodbye to her either. As we hugged each other, Elena translated for me as I told her that I was so grateful to have been able to stay with her and so happy to see all of the progress that she had made. I promised that I would continue to try to help as much as we could. She then surprised me and said “none of this would have possible without my help”. Now, I know this is absolutely not true as she has been a whirlwind of progress and determination since February however, I was touched that she felt I had helped. I was full on crying when we hugged again.

Sor M&M arrived with the promised cards and I said another difficult goodbye. It is very possible that she will not be at El Crucero when I return next year and I may never see her again. This reality was in the back of my mind and I hugged her and the tears that had stopped, started up again. She smiled her beatific smile at me and we hugged one last time and I jumped in the truck. I will trust to God as to where our paths will lead us but she will be one of those people that I will never forget.

I said goodbye to Mariel when we dropped her off; she too will not be here when I return although I am sure we can keep in touch. I thanked her for all the good she has done the children; it has been a real blessing to them. Elena rode with me to the compound so she could instruct the driver and I said goodbye and thank you to her as well as I got out.

Once in the compound, a few people asked about my latest visit and I was happy to tell them. My agenda on these trips is such that I operate outside of the norm and this is puzzling to some people. I appreciated the opportunity to explain what I do and why I do it and especially what my goals are for the children.

After a very welcome shower, I sorted out my packing as I would be leaving with Sr. Debbie for the airport early the next morning. Later that evening, I sat with the group at our nightly meeting and my mind drifted to everything I had experienced on this trip. I was feeling much better than I had anticipated. Originally, I had been anxious about coming as I had begun to feel that we were making little progress. But now I felt that progress was indeed being made after all. (Vince had said just this to me before I left, I should have listened to him.) Most of the progress was due to Madre’s efforts but in a small way, I hope that we have helped also. This re-energized me for the work I would do when I returned home.

And I was ready to return home. The next morning I was packed and ready by 7am and we left at 8. I rode in the back of the truck (love that!) and enjoyed the sunshine and breeze while having some alone time to say goodbye to Nicaragua for a while. Hasta luego! I took a cab from the Caritas building where Sr. Debbie had her next meeting so that I would arrive at the airport with enough time.

Once at the airport and through security, I sat at the gate for a few hours which I didn’t mind at all since they had free wireless – who knew? I was even able to Skype with Vince for a little bit. I boarded my plane to Houston and without any complications arrived in Newark at 10:30pm later that evening. I was very happy to hug my husband who was waiting for me. And one of the first things I asked him was – will you come back to Nicaragua with me the next time I go?

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Friday morning and we are off to build home shelters. I had done this on my first mission trip with Vanessa in February 2010 but didn’t think I would get to participate this time. We all bounced along in the back of the pick up truck; the Mission volunteers and the family and friends of the people that would get a new home shelter that day. I love riding in the back of the truck; it’s not exactly something you have the opportunity to do back in the States. The blowing wind cooled things off for a little while at least.

We arrived at the first home shelter site and hiked up the hill. We met the young mother who was to receive the home shelter and was there to help along with her two children. Right next to where the new foundation of concrete blocks had been set was the structure they were all living in now. I took a family “before” picture of their current shelter with it’s rusted aluminum sheet walls, plastic bags and bits and pieces of wood holding it together and would later take another picture of them in front of their new home.

The mother and her young son were helping the others build while we did a lot of watching. This felt very uncomfortable however; I understood that the reality is, most of us would just be in the way. At least I know I would. I was happy to help carry things around but I know from past experience that banging the hell out of those nails still doesn’t send them into that Nicaraguan wood! It is incredibly hard and dense. So I kept myself busy by looking for any children that might be nearby.

In a shelter next door, there was a young boy, about 2, playing in the dirt. I went over to him and knelt down to say hello. He had one of the dirtiest little faces I have ever seen; literally covered in dirt as was the rest of him. He had a wary look in his eyes so I smiled and asked if I could take his picture. When I showed it to him afterwards; he broke into a fit of giggles that surprised me and made me laugh as well. He thought the picture of himself was just hysterical and I was pleased that this small thing could make him so happy.

His laughs brought other children over and before I knew it, I was snapping one picture after another, just to make them all laugh. I might not be helping too much with the home shelter but at least I had done something that made these little people happy for a time.

Diana, our 13 year old translator was a real treat. I had met her at the compound and her English was so good, that I actually asked if she was an American. There wasn’t a trace of an accent. Since I knew we would be without a translator on our home shelter expedition, I had asked if she might be allowed to come and she was thrilled with the opportunity. During a lull in the action, Diana and I talked about her dreams for the future. She shared some things about her family, in particular information about her mother which led us into a conversation about the types of choices Diana would make for her future. I reminded her that whatever choice she did make, it was hers to make. She had the right to say “no” and to choose when she wanted to have children. I encouraged her to work hard in school and to go on to university. But in reality, she needed little encouragement from me as she already knew that she wanted to study medicine and become a doctor. Although she wanted to visit the U.S., she planned to return home to Nicaragua to practice medicine with her people. I felt very heartened and hopeful that this young woman was an example of the next generation that will bring positive change to her country.

After the second home shelter was completed, we rode back in the bed of the truck again but this time it started to rain and rain hard. Within a few minutes, we were all soaked through, our hair and faces streaming with water. I thought it was all pretty cool since the rain washed off the sweat and dust and cooled us off. Since we had a one-shower per day limit at the compound, I felt getting drenched by the rain as a good thing.

Diana had done such a fantastic job translating, that I called Sr. Debbie to ask if she might come with us to Juan Pablo later that afternoon. I knew that I would be talking with Sor (Sister) Andrea and the language barrier would be a real problem. Diane was delighted when we received word that this special request had been approved. I suggested that she continue to offer her services to the MoH, especially at the medical clinic and she said she would be happy to.

Once back, I dried off and re-grouped since I had to pack to stay overnight at El Crucero once again. I needed only to bring a few things plus my notebook and folders but it always takes a while to make sure I have it all. So I was late for lunch – again. Bev, a true lunch-lady of the kindest sort allowed me to get some food. I appreciated her help AND that she didn’t scold me. I was pretty tired of being scolded about one rule or another. I seemed to be continually breaking them despite my efforts at compliance. There are A LOT of rules on mission and a lot of Type “A” personalities that feel the need to enforce them.

About 6 of us drove to Juan Pablo with Chico the driver in one of the rented vans. When we arrived, Sor Andrea let us in through the iron barred gate that was a necessary security protection. She seemed to remember me and greeted me cordially. Sor Andrea is not the warmest of the sisters I have met on mission but she has an incredibly hard job that I cannot imagine doing. She is responsible for the children 24/7 in a hot, old, small building populated with up to 30 children all under 7. There are two other nuns who help plus some of the older girls from El Crucero. Still, it is unimaginable to think of doing this – what goes through her mind when she wakes in the morning? She is kind to the children though and does a wonderful job of teaching them so by the time they move up to El Crucero for school, many of them are already reading at 5 years old.

Juan Pablo was quieter than I had ever seen it. Since it was Saturday, the day care children that are dropped off during the week were not there so only the “internals”, the children that lived there permanently were there, save one little boy dropped off for the day.

I immediately looked for Allison and found her sitting in a small chair. She was unusually quiet and a little shy when I greeted her and although I think she knew who I was, she didn’t talk to or engage with me. I left her alone so that she might get used to all of us being there and Diana and I went off to give out some of the beautiful handmade dresses that Bev had given me before we left. Then I wanted to talk to Sor Andrea about the children and the status at Juan Pablo. The other ladies that had come with me were all enthusiastic about playing with the children and before I knew it, they were all mostly on the floor keeping the children occupied. I was happy to see this as there wasn’t much going on before we got there so I presume that this play time would be the highlight of their day.

When a street vendor went by selling ice cream, I ran out and bought ice pops for everyone, children, the missioners and the nuns. We all enjoyed the cool treat although the littlest ones needed to be washed from head to toe when they were finished as they were covered in sticky, melted ice pops!

I had brought a large floor puzzle that kept them everyone busy and when I was done talking to Sor Andrea, I began taking pictures of the children. Orquidia Guadalupe or Lupe, my daughter Vanessa’s sponsor child looked so pretty in her new dress, as did Rosita, the little fireball and Allison who had gotten involved in the activities. Also there was Josue, Rosita’s little brother who had gotten so big since I last saw him and Jose, a new baby that was only 5 weeks old. His 17 year old mother was also staying at Juan Pablo.

I asked if I could take a picture of the two of them together and although she said yes, she refused to look at the camera. When I showed her the picture, she smiled but I saw the tear tracks that ran down her face. My heart broke as I realized that she might be embarrassed to have her picture taken and I reached over to stroke her face and tried to tell her it would be all right. I had known in advance that she was there and knew also that her story was difficult. I wanted to do something to comfort her though and with Diana’s help talked to her a little about her plans for the future. I encouraged her to go back to school and to finish her studies. She didn’t seem to think this was necessary but I persisted until she smiled in what I hoped might be agreement.

I made a tour of the facility, looking at the kitchen and living areas. At this point, I had been there enough times that I felt I could go into these private areas; I was looking for improvement and areas that needed help. Unfortunately, I was not pleased to find that there were cockroaches in the kitchen and the refrigerator was not full of food.

Madre Griselda was scheduled to meet me at Juan Pablo at 4pm to pick up me and Allison but she surprised me and arrived early. The others from Mission left with Chico and Madre and I began our attempt to have Allison come with us. But she seemed to sense that something was going on, because she had become sullen and quiet and was sitting in her chair quietly clutching her little bag. Madre asked her if she wanted to come and then the drama began.

She ran to the back room and into her bed crying and wailing that she didn’t want to go; she wanted to go home to her mama. I let Madre talk to her as I didn’t think I would be much help; it was the Nuns she knew the best. Madre was so patient and gentle with her; not once did I see her get angry at what was effectively a temper tantrum, no matter how understandable. This attitude of kindness and patience is something I have seen over and over again and it amazes me. I’m a mother an know how challenging and trying children can be; these women never seem to lose their patience. Incredible.

In the meantime, I asked Sor Andrea if I could bring Allison’s things – clothes or toys – with us. She said she had nothing to bring. The impact of this would hit me later, after the drama had subsided, as I realized that this little girl did not own a thing. No toys, no clothes, not anything that did not belong to the communal whole. The unfairness of this infuriated me although I realized that it was a consequence of institutional living but I didn’t have to like it.

Allison was not calming down so drastic measures were called for. Arelyis, the mother of Rosita and Josue had to physically pick her up and put her into the truck, while Allison was screaming all the while. Madre had also decided to bring Rosita with us in an effort to placate Allison but also because Rosita would be moving back up to El Crucero in the near future as well. She, Allison and Lupe were all the same age and would begin school soon.

Once in the truck, Allison continued to whimper although the screaming and the tears had stopped. It is very difficult to communicate with an upset child when you don’t speak their language very well so since I couldn’t say anything that would help, I started to sing quietly instead. I sang all of the verses of Mary had a Little Lamb three times and the Mockingbird song (you know the one, Mamma’s gonna’ buy you a mockingbird…). And when I ran out of words, I made them up. I don’t really know if it helped but it didn’t hurt. We played with the few random toys that we had brought with us and eventually, both girls started smiling.

By the time we left the city and started driving up the mountain, Allison and Rosita were both eagerly looking at the window at the scenery. While Rosita had been back and forth quite a few times, Allison had not made the trip as frequently so it was exciting for her; I could see it in her face. This made me happy since the whole point of making this change was to give her new experiences.

Once we arrived at El Crucero, Madre went about her business and I went with the 2 little girls to the dormitory area. But first, Allison ran around the courtyard in the brilliant sun shine whooping with delight. The picture of her big smile and her hair flying as she ran is frozen in my mind. This is what I wanted her to have, a chance and a place to run.

By now, the other little children had come to greet the 2 girls and they were running around in a pack. The rest of the afternoon passed and as I walked with the various little children to another building (there are multiple buildings in the compound), I was surprised to see Mariel and Elena. While I knew they were there on Saturday, they had not planned to stay overnight. However, the older girls had begged them to do so and I found them all watching a movie on Mariel’s laptop. I was happy to see them and really happy that we would now have Elena as a translator.

After dinner with the older girls and Sor M&M, I was asked to come see a special Powerpoint presentation that Mariel had helped the girls prepare for me. Each of the slides had a picture of one of the children followed by their age, birth date, favorite hobby or sports team and their dreams for the future. Each child read their own bio out loud and it was sweet to see who would read shyly and who didn’t. I really enjoyed it and told them all I was very proud of them. I then asked them to prepare one for me for my next visit that included how they planned to make their dreams come true.

That night, after the children had gone to bed, I sat in the other room writing in my journal. Sor M&M joined me and we had a conversation using my little yellow Spanish-English book when we got stuck on a word. Since Sor M&M has no English and my Spanish is limited, this was quite often. I asked about her family and her health and felt that our conversation was between two friends that were getting to know each other a little better. She then talked about her vocation and her belief in God, or El Senor as they refer to God, and how she was always searching for answers. I told her that I found my answers to God in helping the children. She smiled at that.

Allison had settled in for bed although she had asked me numerous times when she was going back to Juan Pablo. I told her “No se”, or I don’t know, which wasn’t true but we had decided to hold off on telling her the full story for a little while longer. So we lay in the small bunk – wow, was this thing hard! – and I waited for her to fall asleep. Once she did, she tossed and turned only a little but a few times, she rolled right into me and bonked me in the head. Little children sleep the same way all over the world.

July 28, 2011

I left for El Crucero on Thursday morning around 8am. I asked my driver Hiro, to stop at the food store on the way so that I could buy food to bring with me. As we made the 40 minute trip, I watched the landscape change from the city to the mountainous countryside and I realized I was finally flying solo. I was on my own adventure now and would need to rely on my own initiative. I was supposed to meet both Mariel, the volunteer psychologist working at the orphanages for MoH and Elena the translator at El Crucero later in the morning, but this was my mini-mission. I was in a third world country, no one was guiding my actions but me and I was equal parts excited and anxious.

Alison was not coming with me. She had told Mariel that she didn’t want to go to El Crucero, she just wanted to go home. Allison is struggling greatly at the baby orphanage – Juan Pablo (aka Casa Cuna), as her mother is now dropping off her new baby brother and while he gets to go home at night, Allison must remain at the orphanage. Needless to say, this is devastating to her as she faces an almost daily rejection by her own mother. She has been acting out and misbehaving which is not at all usual for her. I am even more anxious for her to go to El Crucero permanently for this reason among many others. I was disappointed that I wouldn’t see her but certainly wasn’t going to force her to come. I would make other arrangements to see her.

I arrived at El Crucero around 9am, it was still pretty early but I was happy when I could read the pleased look of recognition on Madre’s face as she realized who I was. She immediately called me by name and came to embrace me. It was a warm feeling. I had only met this woman in February and while I had stayed there then, a lot of time had passed in between.

The driver and one of the novices (there are 6 young woman studying to become nuns that also live at El Crucero), helped to bring in the food, gifts, clothes and other donations from the back of the truck. As we brought the food into the kitchen area, Madre laughed and opened the refrigerator and freezer door to show me what was inside. I was amazed to see it was full of food! Completely full! I was thrilled to see this and it brought tears to my eyes. I found out later that one of the many things she has accomplished in the last few months is to make arrangements with 4 or 5 different food stores and providers that supply weekly donations of food – milk, meat, cheese, eggs, bread, fruit and vegetables – all the items that we have wanted them to have. She had made some amazing progress and I thought this an auspicious start to my visit.

Madre was very busy, as she had 70 adults attending a school reunion and after initial pleasantries and stumbling through without a translator, I told her I was fine and that she should go take care of whatever she had to do. I used this time to walk around the compound, hoping to greet any children I might find. It was during school hours so only a few were outside, mostly the little girls and boys. Nadezna came running to greet me with a big hug. She was followed by Mileydis, and the sisters, Maria and Lupe (Wendy Guadulupe). Then the little boys, Alexis, Carlito, Kenneth and little Kevin ran over to me and hugged me as well. They weren’t completely sure who I was, but I think they realized that they had seen me before and I looked familiar and fun. I have found that the children are demonstrative; showering you with hugs and kisses. I realize that in some part, this is due to their own emotional issues of abandonment and lack of family – they are always eager for attention and affection – but they are also really sweet children, genuinely happy to see you.

After a while, the older girls started to appear and as I greeted most of them, I could see that they were very pleased that I remembered their names. Silsa, Veronica, Katherine, Jessica, and Naome encircled me with hugs and kisses. This was what I came for. “Recuerdome?” I asked them, “do you remember me?” and they nodded yes. Then they made a game of helping me to remember the girl’s names I couldn’t remember by giving me clues of the first and second letter of their names to help me guess. We all laughed as I sorted them out.

My lack of Spanish was hitting me really hard and I was frustrated that I had not yet mastered the language. After a while, the girls went about their own business as our semi-conversation wound down. So I wandered around, taking pictures, looking for other signs of progress and eventually ended up in the chapel as it is a quiet and beautiful place. Amidst a facility that is falling down in many places, this lovely chapel is a quiet oasis, maintained with love by the Sisters. While the disparity of this situation is difficult to comprehend – where does the money come from to keep this place pristine when the children have a leaky roof and decrepit plumbing? – I forced myself once again to not judge by my own American-girl standards. I was in their place, these were their priorities, and I was a guest. I would have to help them on their own terms or not at all.

I saw Sr. M &M and went to greet her. Her big smile and sincere hug were another warm welcome as it was evident we were both happy to see each other.

Mariel and Elena arrived but immediately went into Mariel’s scheduled sessions with the children. She is now meeting with quite a few children on an individual basis to council and help with their emotional issues. She is definitely making progress. She also is working with the children in groups and helping them work together and learn skills to help themselves. But Mariel is leaving in October and I am saddened that this resource will be taken away from the children. I can only hope and pray that what they have learned from her, they will retain and take with them into their own futures.

The Sisters invited us to lunch of chicken, rice and a delicious cucumber salad. What a meal ! and a far cry from previous meals of rice and beans. Their food situation had turned around completely and I was delighted. We talked a little with Madre and the other Sisters and they seemed genuinely happy that we were there. It is always uncomfortable to have them wait on us and serve us, but they insist upon it; Nicaraguan courtesy.

Later that afternoon, the three of us, Mariel, Elena and I had a 2 hour meeting with Madre to discuss all of the children. Some of the children are no longer at the orphanage and some new children were added. Most of the reasons that children were no longer in the program were not good ones. A young baby named Enrique had gone back to live with his 19 year old mother despite the fact that she could not care for him. The Nuns were unhappy with this and are trying to encourage her to do better. Two of the older boys that lived at the farm had dropped out of school and were following an all too typical path of drinking and delinquency. Without the Nun’s knowledge, they had sold the two goats and the ox leaving them without working farm animals. Both unfortunate signs of a culture with deep rooted problems that cannot be resolved over night.

Our conversation turned to my Allison. Madre told me that she thought Allison was coming with me as she was unaware that Allison didn’t want to come. I explained this to her and then asked again, when we might be able to bring her to El Crucero permanently. She surprised me by saying that her plan had been to do this while I was there. Not wanting to let this opportunity to make this pivotal change in her young life – El Crucero might not be perfect but it is a better environment than Juan Pablo where she is now – we decided upon another plan. On Saturday, I will meet Madre at Juan Pablo and together we will all drive back to El Crucero. Her suggestion is that the “novelty” of my bringing her will over-ride her apprehension about going there. I am not completely sure that this will work out this way and fully expect that Allison will be upset however, we are all in agreement that this is the best move for her. Her two young friends who are also 5, Rosita and Orquidia Guadalupe (my daughter Vanessa’s sponsor child), will come up soon after so that they all can start first grade in January. But in the meantime, I’m sure there will be separation issues. I hope that our best intentions are the right decision. I believe in my heart that they are but I ache knowing that she will be distraught for a time.

I also found out that the surgery that Allison’s mother has been unable to facilitate due to her own problems is not as major as I had been told. This was welcome news and the hope is that living at El Crucero will make the surgery and necessary post-surgery orthotic shoes a reality. Another wonderful thing that Madre has put in place is that soon, a doctor and a dentist will visit the facility WEEKLY to check the children and the nuns. This woman is incredible. She has done all of this by networking and pushing to improve the lives of the children. I think no one can say “no” to her.

The additional part of our plan is that after staying over again on Saturday night with Allison, we will all go to the Farm, La Finca, on Sunday. I had wanted to go for a while to see what possibilities might be there for income and vocational training so this was a welcome surprise. Mariel and Elena will come up on Sunday morning to join us but for Saturday evening, I will really be on my own. Oh I wish I could speak Spanish! Juan – I should have kept studying!

Dinner of rice and beans but also the delicious Nicaraguan white cheese that made it all taste great. Dinner conversation with Madre and the other Nuns revealed the other advances she had made. Security guards are now present 7 days a week now and it was no longer necessary for the Nuns to patrol the grounds at night dressed as men, although she still had the gun. The electric transformer had been replaced by the Power company at no expense to them and an NGO was coming to inspect the old and dangerous wiring and make repairs. The children were receiving dancing and sewing lessons. And lots of food! A lot of progress in only 5 months time – what would this woman accomplish in a year!

I was exhausted and when I started to yawn at the dinner table, Madre teased me about going to bed. Mariel and Elena stayed in the main building to work on homework and I crossed the dark courtyard to the girl’s dorm alone. The night sky was very black with a wind that promised to become stronger as the night went on.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the light on in the girls dorm as there had been no electric when I was there before. Another wonderful accomplishment. After washing up in a cold bucket of water – there were no improvements to the bathrooms unfortunately – I sat on my bed while the older girls congregated around me. I took out the pictures I had brought to share with them; Vince, my girls and of course our new puppies, Sage and Gwena. I had more pictures of them than my family and the girls got a big kick out of them. They are the cutest puppies in the world after all.

Lying in my bunk bed, with my sweatshirt as a pillow, I struggled to fall asleep even though I was tired. My brain was reeling from all that had been said and done today and from seeing all of the children once again. I felt more comfortable this time and eventually feel asleep, warm and content despite the ache in my hips from the rock hard bed.

I woke early at 5am and lay in bed for an hour listening to the quiet breathing of the girls. It was much quieter here than the Mission compound. Eventually, I heard Sr. M&M moving around in her small room off of the dorm area. When she came out, dressed in a robe and without her habit, her short black hair pillow-tumbled from sleeping, I could almost forget she was a nun. But her grace and her clear path to her own expression of faith shine from her like a beacon and her vocation is unmistakable.

I got up and dressed while most of the girls were still asleep, Mariel and Elena who were in bunks right next to me, included. Sr. M&M and I greeted each other with “Buenas Dias” and broad smiles. Eventually, the little boys could be heard singing and laughing next door and then everyone was up and awake. There was no school today due to a Teacher’s conferences so they had been able to sleep a little later than normal until the 6 and 7 year olds gave them no choice but to get up. Not unlike a normal family only with a lot more children and Nun’s for parents.

Breakfast was delicious pineapple – Nicaragua has the BEST pineapple- and cold cereal. Gratefully, no rice and beans. At 8:30, we had our meeting with Sr. Debbie and Mauricio to sort out some communication issues regarding the Orphan’s Hope Project. Most of these were due to growing pains of the OHP process and after an hour and half, we had covered this and other important priorities. Agreement was reached and I felt we had accomplished our goals. One major decision was made that would expand the use of the monthly funds we are providing to the Nuns via the OHP program. This is due to the fact that Madre has been so successful in obtaining donors for food. As these donors can be inconsistent, food purchases are still the priority however, we gave her the option to use the funds for other items such as personal hygiene, additional educational supplies and other items when needed. The monthly accounting receipts that are provided to us give us a listing of how the money is spent. We were all content with this change and see it as positive development.

I said goodbye to the children and knowing I would see them again Saturday made it quick and relatively painless. I rode with Sr. Debbie and her entourage the rest of the afternoon, the highlight being our meeting with the Caritas organization to discuss the HIV orphans that we plan to add to the Orphan’s Hope Project. We learned that there are 50 children and that the only information we will have is their first names due to confidentiality concerns. Because of this, we will not be able to set up individual sponsorships but instead, ask for sponsorships for the program as a whole to help with expenses for the children. We learned that only 5 of the children were in school as they did not have the funds necessary to go, something we wish to focus on. But at least they were all on the anti-viral medicine that would help sustain and prolong their threatened lives. I asked a lot of questions – of course – and got as much information as I could so I will be able to communicate the issue and the need once I return to the U.S.

Afterwards, we were able to meet with a number of the children and their families who were there to pick up supplies. Sr. Debbie had brought 7 beautiful hand-made small quilts to be given as gifts to the children. Because we were not allowed to photograph their faces, again due to confidentiality issues, I took pictures of each child, wrapped in their new quilt, from behind. It was a poignant moment for all of us as we contemplated the lives these children live.

I approached one young girl seated in a chair at the front of the room and knelt down to speak to her. Nancy was about 9 and had a beautiful face. I asked her if she had family there and she said no. She didn’t smile and her large brown eyes had an expression that was much too old for her young body. I have never known anyone who was HIV+, nor anyone who had died of AIDS, but if this is what it looks like, it is a terrible thing made even more so in a young child with no real life to look forward to. It was heart-breaking. Anything we can do for them, we should do and would.

A hectic afternoon followed of shopping and stops that Sr. Debbie needed to accomplish and we were back at the compound for dinner. I am sitting in the kitchen area as lights out was 30 minutes ago. Now that the internet is working, I will post this very soon. Unfortunately, it’s not wireless so I can’t do more than make a quick post but it is better than none at all.

If I can blog again on Sunday when I return from El Crucero and La Finca, I will do so. That’s of course if I’ve got any brain power left – this is all such a grand adventure – it fills me up and sucks me dry. Thanks for reading about it.

July 27, 2011

I arrived Tuesday after an uneventful plane trip. My sister Jeannie had driven me to Newark airport the evening before and we stayed overnight at the hotel so I didn’t have to drive to Newark at 4am for my 5:30 am flight. I so appreciated her driving me and we enjoyed staying overnight and watching a Disney movie together. Yep, sisters. I said goodbye to her at 3:30am, took the shuttle to the airport and 8 hours later, found myself standing in the Managua airport waiting for my ride.

I waited for about an hour and was beginning to wonder what my back up plan was if no one came to pick me up (I didn’t have one) when Bonnie and my ride arrived. She was a welcome sight. It was good to see Bonnie; she goes on every large mission and keeps everything running smoothly, or as smoothly as possible in Nicaragua. We then met up with a nurse, Anna who is here on her first mission but plans to return in October to stay for a year. She will replace Mariel, the psychologist who works with the children at the orphanages when she leaves in October. Anna will have a different focus however and I’m not looking forward to losing Mariel as my only consistent and reliable source of communication with the Nuns regarding the children. We have to get the internet working. It is one of my primary goals this trip.

After dinner, I was in bed early. The two hour time difference and the heat – it is SO hot here – knocked me out and I fell asleep relatively easily for a change. I was excited this morning to find out that I was to go with Sr. Debbie for our meeting with the Caritas organization to discuss the 70 HIV orphans that we hope to add to the Orphan’s Hope Project. But 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave the meeting was cancelled due to an emergency with the archbishop. After my initial frustration, I decided to just give it up to the heavens and wait to see what happens. This is very typical for Nicaragua and I lesson I keep telling myself to learn.

So instead, I did rice and beans. This meant that we spent the morning bagging rice and beans (two 100 pound bags of each one) into smaller bags to be taken out on a Rice and Beans walk in the afternoon. The two women I worked alongside, Missy and Alexandra made it a pleasant experience. After lunch, we gathered up all that we had packed and headed out into the country.

The person guiding us was a Nicaraguan woman who has been helped by the mission in the past. She was the recipient of a home shelter built for her and her family and she has maintained involvement with the mission since. It is local people such as Maritza that are instrumental in helping to determine where the aid the Mission provides will go.

We drove by van to an area made up of the ramshackle, rusted tin roof huts that I have seen many times before on my trips here. Think of it as a housing development made up of shacks.

We moved from one home to another, always greeted by smiling faces and excited children.

Unfortunately, we did not have toys for the children, only the rice and beans bags but they were enthusiastic none-the-less. A number of the people with me were young high school students and hesitant about approaching the people. I however was not and marched right up to them practicing my limited Spanish, asking names, how they were and if I could take their pictures. All complied and after that, the others seemed to realize that we weren’t just handing out free food; we were there to interact with the community. These poor people – and I do mean poor – were always polite, friendly and happy to see us.

One of the women we met was an 84 year old woman named Elizabeth. She rattled excitedly in Spanish, despite my “no comprendo” and “no hablo Espanol” comments . She hugged me and Anna a few times and seemed very excited that we were there. She accepted her rice and beans gratefully and then proceeded to follow us as we walked around the neighborhood frequently chatting and hugging us.

Some of the homes were in better condition than others. Some of the people had attempted to improve their areas; some going as far as sweeping the dirt – or so it seemed it was so smooth and neat. One woman had planted flowers all around her home and I asked our translator Steven to tell her that we thought her house was very nice and well-tended. She smiled a big, shy smile and seemed pleased to hear that we had noticed. I took a picture of her with her two young daughters.

Other homes however, were not so well kept. Outside sinks for washing dishes and clothes, wood stoves next to the homes with fires burning. Barefoot and dirty children scrambled everywhere, chasing each other and laughing seemingly oblivious to their situation. This also was not new to me as I had come to realize that these children knew no other way of life and without a frame of reference, didn’t realize there are alternatives. I was pleased to see school uniforms hanging on the barbed-wire clothes line though; at least some of them went to school.

We gave away most of our supply and then headed back as a thunderstorm was pending. It is pouring with rain as I write this in the evening and the sound of the crescendo on the tin roof is comforting. I also hope it might cool things down, even in the evenings it is very hot. Our dorm room – shared with about 30 other women – is warm but the ceiling fans move the air and make it bearable. I am happy to report that the roosters and barking dogs can’t be heard from this new compound – a very pleasant change.

Tomorrow I am up very early to try to post this online and send a few emails. I have been totally without internet and if you are reading this, then I was finally able to gain access. It is not yet connected at the compound so I have had to make a trip up the road to the other but don’t worry Vince, I was driven both up and back. Bill has been valiantly trying to get the internet set up for the past two missions but it continues to stubbornly refuse to cooperate. Poor Bill! He has about 100 other things to take care of and he has worked so hard on trying to get the internet connection up and running so he can check this off his list. He’s really a great guy, so dedicated and humble. We could all take a lesson from him.

I am going up to El Crucero tomorrow although my original plan to be picked up has fallen through and I have to make other arrangements. I will stay over until Friday when I will meet with Madre and Sr. Debbie to further define the Orphan’s Hope Project and straighten out a few miscommunications. One of my main goals is to focus on ways to use the computers that have been in limbo without electricity. Now that they have it, or at least will once they analyze and repair the wiring at the facility, I want to be sure that we can get the internet up and running. I also want to discuss technology lessons and the many possibilities this will present to the children and the nuns. Syed – I hope that you and I can finally begin to develop a plan for this.

This has been a long-awaited goal of mine and something I have wanted since beginning this project a year and half ago. This accomplishment would reaffirm my belief that we can make a difference and show it in concrete and positive ways.

After I leave El Crucero on Friday, Sr. Debbie and I will meet with the Caritas organization regarding the HIV orphans. We have already been informed that we will receive only scant information on these children; no names, pictures or other details. So while I will add them to the OHP program; I will not be able to encourage any communication with future sponsors. The stigma here in Nicaragua regarding HIV is huge so the children’s privacy is paramount. We will be able to meet with a few of the children at their homes so at least we will have a first-hand account to pass on. We have already been told of one family with 7 children, 1 died and 4 are HIV positive. I cannot understand how having this many children cam happen; don’t the parents know or realize they are passing HIV to their babies? Perhaps the government should spend less on political rallies and more on HIV and Sexual Health education. I am sure meeting the children and their caretakers – whether parents or otherwise – will be another eye-opening experience and deeply disturbing for me.

I’ll close for now and since I don’t know the next time I will be able to post to the blog, stay tuned…

July 24,2011

I will be leaving this Tuesday, July 26 for my fourth trip to Nicaragua. I will be there for 6 days. My agenda is not as ambitious as the last time; but much of this is due to variables I can’t control or information I don’t have. You have to be prepared to manage things “on the ground” as they say…..meaning, I have to be flexible as plans can and will change.

A large mission group will be there also during my stay so I will be staying with them at the new MoH compound, NiCasa. I will be staying overnight at El Crucero again, but only for one night. And I can bring my little Allison. I am looking forward to seeing her as always. She has not yet had her foot surgery although her mother had promised that she would take care of this when I saw her last. Apparently Haydelina is not very good at following through and the Nuns are disappointed with her, as am I. I know I should not judge, her life is hard but I am anxious for Allison. I hope to meet with Haydelina also while I am there to see if I can encourage her to take care of this before Allison gets much older.

My goal is to further define the OHP agreement with Madre Griselda as there has been some confusion resulting in delays in monthly funding. This is unacceptable and I mean to correct it. I’ll also be getting updates on the children, school records (hopefully) and of course new pictures to share with the sponsors.

FYI – We had about 10 sponsors this year who did not renew their sponsorship; I am looking for new new people to become sponsors. If you are interested or know of someone who might be, please be sure to contact me.

While in Nica, Sr. Debbie and I will be meeting with the CARITAS organization to learn more about 75 HIV orphans that are under this organization’s care. We hope to add them to the OHP program. My goal has always been to keep adding children to the OHP program to help as many as we can.

Vince is wonderfully supportive of my trip as he always is. I could not do what I do without his support. One day, I WILL get him to come with me although I don’t know if Nicaragua will ever really be ready for him….

…They say be careful what you wish for, you just might get it….

My goal when I started the Orphan’s Hope Project (OHP) in June 2010 was simple. To find other like-minded individuals who would be willing to share their blessings with the impoverished and orphaned children of Nicaragua. In less than a year, we have found sponsors for each child at the two orphanages we are working with and are well on our way to providing full sponsorships for all of them. I had begun to wonder where we would go when this milestone had been accomplished. But I had faith that God would make it plain.

And He did. While it is not yet definite, we may be taking 70 HIV orphans into the program. And these are true orphans, no parents (they have all died of AIDS) and no other family to care for them.

We will need even more help. We will need more sponsors, more involvement, more money to help provide food, education needs and basic medical care to these children.

And while I am saddened by the needs of these children, I am determined and grateful that WE CAN DO SOMETHING TO HELP.

I’m back home after an uneventful day of traveling all day Sunday. I am having a bit of the culture-reintegration shock that happens each time I return from Nicaragua. There is laundry to be done, work pending and family and friends that need contacting. I’ve put off doing most of it.

As I turned on the water to wash something in the kitchen sink, adjusting the water to a warm temperature that was not too hot or too cold, I couldn’t help but think about the young girls that have only cold water in buckets from the well to use. Turning on the lights so I could see after dark was another option that they don’t have.

These types of disparities haunt me for weeks after I return. While I am extremely grateful for all that I am blessed with, guilt over having so much and the children I have come to care about that have so little hangs over me like a cloud.

I have much work to do to reconcile all of the data changes for the children and it will take me a while to complete it all as I have other obligations that need attention. But it is this type of work, making sure that the OHP sponsors are kept informed, and in turn, the coordination of the Orphan’s Hope Project in general that gives me purpose and allows me to feel as if I have made a small difference in their lives. It is my fervent wish that this difference will become larger and the help they receive greater as we continue to try to help them.

Friday, Feb 18

I woke early the next morning to the sounds of the girls getting ready for school. I hadn’t slept well but knew this was not going to be a “vacation” so it was not an issue. Sayda, the young girl that is planning to be a nun, led the other girls in their prayers which they sang out loud. Their young voices were soft and sweet and surprisingly reverent.

Now that the sun was up, I could see more clearly what the facility looked like. Everything was old and in terrible disrepair. Although the girls swept and mopped, the years of accumulated dirt had built up in the corners and I tried not to look. There were no sinks with running water, the 2 toilets had broken pieces and the floor was covered in water that slopped out of the buckets. I cleaned up with water from these buckets and Allison as well for the day.

Allison had opened up the yogurt we had brought when I wasn’t there and managed to get it into her hair. As I tried to comb her hair out, she didn’t flinch or complain as I tried as gently as possible to pull out the tangles and knots. She contentedly played with my little flashlight – which became her favorite toy for the next few days. As she didn’t have a toothbrush, I let her use mine which she was thrilled about.

The girls ate breakfast of cereal inside their dorm at a long table that they use for all purposes: eating, dinner, homework, gathering. Allison had a bowl of cereal with them and the then four of us walked over for breakfast to the room where we had eaten the night before. Breakfast was rice and beans. I managed to ask for “agua calliente” for the tea I had brought with me. I had to ask for milk, as they had hidden much of the food we brought the day before. I asked for an orange for Allison, as I wasn’t sure when they made these available to the other children but wanted her to have some since we had brought it for that purpose. I believe that they put the food in different locations to keep the thieves from wiping them out should they break in. Allison wasn’t interested in the orange for some reason but did eat a full helping of rice and beans and finished every piece of rice. She has a very good appetite.

Afterwards, Sr. M&M gave Allison a shower and washed her hair. I was amazed at how Allison stood still while cold water was poured over head to rinse off soap and shampoo; she didn’t complain at all. Nor did she complain when Sr. M&M combed her hair to get knots out. Not a peep out of her. She continually amazes me with her adaptability.

We then met with Sr. M&M to discuss all of the children as this was also a big part of why I was there. We listened for 3 hours to stories that ranged from happy (one child was adopted, another had found her mother and gone to live with her) to sad (a young baby had been placed back with his mother and the Nuns were working with her to accept and care for her child) to heart breaking. M&M told us of a 10 year old girl who was no longer at the orphanage. This young girl had been sexually abused by her father and a neighbor and had said that her mother said she would beat and kill her if she talked about what happened. A court case is pending but in the meantime, this little girl is in terrible danger. The nuns are going to try to find her as the legal system and the child welfare system that had returned her to this environment despite the pending court case, had clearly failed her. I cried as I told M&M that we would continue to follow up with her in the desperate hope that they would find her.

After this grueling meeting, we went for lunch, more rice and beans. They were beginning to look less appetizing each time I saw them and I longed for a green salad. I still hadn’t seen much of the food that we had brought up with us.

Sr. M&M had contacted Allison’s mother to ask if she could come up to El Crucero with me, her madrina . Her mother approved and then I was told that she would take the bus from Managua up to meet me. When she arrived, Allison was very excited and happy to see her. Her mother’s name was Hadylise and she and I talked, I told her that I thought Allison was a very special little girl, and very intelligent. She smiled graciously and thanked me. As I had been concerned that the mother might not want Allison to come up to El Crucero when it was time for school because it is far from where she lives in Managua, I was surprised and pleased when she said she would be very happy for Allison to come to school and graduate from here. I told her that once she did that, I would make sure that Allison went on to University. I promised her that I would do this, knowing full well that Vince would be alright with my making this decision. University lasts for four years at a cost of about $300 per year. Something we could afford and the money would be well spent in helping Allison to meet her full potential. ” I asked her mother about Allison’s health and she told me Allison needs foot surgery to remove and extra toe on her left foot along correction to bones in her foot. Also, she is flat footed and will need orthopedic shoes. She has had kidney problems since birth and is only well enough now for surgery. Haydelina said she did not have enough money for transportation to doctor so I gave her $20. It is impotant to note that she did not ask me nor did I feel she was manipulating me any way. She promised to keep me informed of Allison’s medical condition and was going to set up an email address so we could communicate. Allison was very upset when herMom left, and I had the unenviable task of having to bear hug her as she had a full-on temper tantrum but settled down afterwards.

Although Allison has settled in, she is still overwhelmed by the largeness of El Crucero compared with what she has known. She whimpers at times but then gets distracted. I still think it was a good decision to give her the opportunity to see this and I am happy for it.
Next on our agenda was to take new pictures of all the children which they really enjoyed it. The each took turns jumping into the chair and holding up their names signs all watching each other and encouraging them to smile.

Afterwards we all went to mass in their beautiful little church, completely intact and well kept. I wondered where did the money come for the upkeep of this building given the state of the rest of the facility.

Mass was surprisingly nice, even though I couldn’t understand the priest speaking in Spanish. Not being able to follow what he was saying gave me the opportunity to look around and observe all of the children. I was amazed at the behavior of all of children, even the very little ones. Joseph who is 2 and had been battling a fever since we arrived, sat quietly, with his head nodding and eyes closing as tried to stay awake without complaint or direction. Allison knew when to stand, when to sit, make the sign of the cross and hold out her hands, palms up in benediction. I was stunned, she is going to be 5 in April and has the presence and understanding of a child much older. A 4 year old in the U.S. would never have behaved this way. After mass, she ran up to priest, shook his hand and then hugged all of the nuns.

Dinner was rice and beans plus eggs. Now, I am heartily sick of rice and beans! After dinner, I met with Sr. M&M to review OHP document, another big agenda point for my trip. This document outlines a shared understanding of responsibility on both sides; MOH/OHPO and the nuns at El Crucero. While not a legal document in anyway, it does make clear what we expect from them in terms of communication, receipts and efforts on the part of the children in return for our monthly and special project funding. Unfortunately, Helena had left and without a translator the meeting was painful. While we stumbled along using hand signs and my Spanish dictionary, I was sure I conveyed only a portion of what I wanted her to understand. But as she would not attend tomorrow morning’s meeting due to school, I wanted to at least try to get some of the information across to her. At the end, I think she “got “ most of it albeit without the details.

The girls had wanted to give us a special performance and in a large room next door, that shockingly had lights, we went “perform”. Most of the children were up on a small stage dancing to current Nicaraguan music. Although some of the moves were a bit suggestive – think swiveling hips and rocking chests – they were having a wonderful time letting off steam and acting like the teenagers that they are. I had to remind myself that this was a cultural way of expressing themselves and my American mentality did not apply here. The little children were eager to dance along, even the boys jumping and spinning in the air.

They asked Mariel and I to come up to dance with them for a bit which we did. Sr. M&M took pictures which will never appear in public or on Facebook but the kids appreciated that we joined them. I left the stage to sit with poor Allison who was terrified by the loud noise. I’d had enough of the pounding loud music by then also so we sat on the side and waited for them to be done. Afterwards, I gave out presents to all. Everyone got something and it went well. We took pictures of the giving the presents from the sponsors and then asked the other children to come up and choose something from the table. M&M let them select what they wanted. The donated Barbies that I had brought were a big hit.

Dinner was at 8:30pm. Rice and Beans but this time with scrambled eggs that we had brought. I was pleased to see a change in the cuisine but hoped that the children would see some of these eggs as well. It was very late when we ate and Mariel and I were dismayed at the lack of coordination. The children all over the place, and their dinner was haphazard. The children never eat all together and I am very anxious but hopeful that Madre Griselda will put structure in place that is more coordinated and scheduled. This oversight, not only for meals, but play time is very badly needed.

To bed tonight and sleep is illusive. This has been a truly a great and terrible trip, in equal measure. I am still processing what I have seen. We leave El Crucero tomorrow for the “real” world of Managua and the MoH compound. I don’t think I will be able to talk about much of this yet as it is still tightly woven in my mind and I’m afraid all that would come out is tears.

Friday, Feb 18

I woke early the next morning to the sounds of the girls getting ready for school. I hadn’t slept well but knew this was not going to be a “vacation” anyway so it was not an issue.

Sayda, the young girl that is planning to be a nun, led the other girls in their morning prayers which they sang out loud. Their young teenage voices were soft and sweet and surprisingly reverent.

Now that the sun was up, I could see more clearly what the facility looked like. Everything was old and in terrible disrepair. Although the girls swept and mopped, the years of accumulated dirt had built up in the corners and I tried not to look. There were no sinks with running water, the 2 toilets had broken pieces and the floor was covered in water that slopped out of the buckets. I cleaned up Allison and myself with water from these buckets as there wasn’t another alternative.

Allison had opened up the yogurt we had bought when I wasn’t with her and managed to get it into her hair. As I tried to comb her hair out, she didn’t flinch or complain as I tried as gently as possible to pull out the tangles and knots. She contentedly played with my little flashlight – which became her favorite toy for the next few days. As she didn’t have a toothbrush, I let her use mine which she was thrilled about.

The girls ate breakfast of cereal inside their dorm at a long table that they use for all purposes: eating, dinner, homework, gathering. Allison had a bowl of cereal with them and then the four of us walked over for breakfast to the room where we had eaten the night before. Breakfast was rice and beans. I managed to ask for “agua calliente” for the tea I had brought with me. I had to ask for milk, as they had hidden much of the food we brought the day before. I asked for an orange for Allison, as I wasn’t sure when they made these available to the other children but wanted her to have some since we had brought it for that purpose. I believe that they put the food in different locations to keep the thieves from wiping them out should they break in. Allison wasn’t interested in the orange for some reason but did eat a full helping of rice and beans and finished it all. I watched her as she purposefully and carefully slid the last piece of rice on her dish onto her fork. She has a very good appetite.

Afterwards, Sr. M&M gave Allison a shower and washed her hair. I was amazed at how Allison stood still while cold water was poured over head to rinse off soap and shampoo; she didn’t complain at all. Nor did she complain when Sr. M;M combed her hair to get knots out. Not a peep out of her. She continually amazes me with her adaptability.

We then met with Sr. M&M to discuss all of the children as this was also a big part of why I was there. We listened for 3 hours to stories that ranged from happy (one child was adopted, another had found her mother and gone to live with her) to sad (a young baby had been placed back with his mother and the Nuns were working with her to accept and care for her child) to heart breaking. M&M told us of a 10 year old girl who was no longer at the orphanage. This young girl had been sexually abused by her father and a neighbor and told one of the nuns that her mother said she would beat and kill her if she talked about what happened.

A court case is pending but in the meantime, this little girl is in terrible danger. The nuns are going to try to find her, as they think she may be living on the streets. The legal system and the child welfare system that had returned her to this environment despite the pending court case, have clearly failed her. I cried as I told M&M that we would continue to follow up with her in the desperate hope that they would find this young girl.

After this grueling meeting, we went for lunch, more rice and beans. They were beginning to look less appetizing each time I saw them and I longed for a green salad. I still hadn’t seen much of the food that we had brought up with us.

Sr. M&M had contacted Allison’s mother to ask if she could come up to El Crucero with me, her madrina. Her mother approved and then I was told that she would take the bus from Managua up to meet me. When she arrived, Allison was very excited and happy to see her. Her mother’s name is Haydelina and as she and I talked, I told her that I thought Allison was a very special little girl, and very intelligent. She smiled graciously and thanked me.

As I had been concerned that the mother might not want Allison to come up to El Crucero when it was time for school because it is far from where she lives in Managua, I was surprised and pleased when she said she would be very happy for Allison to come to school and graduate from here. I told her that once she did that, I would make sure that Allison went on to University. I promised her that I would do this, knowing full well that Vince would be fine with my making this decision. University in Nicaragua is for four years at a cost of about $300 per year. Something we could afford and the money would be well spent in helping Allison to meet her full potential.

I asked her mother about Allison’s health and she told me Allison needed foot surgery to remove and extra toe on her left foot along with correction to other small bones in her foot. Also, she is flat footed and will need orthopedic shoes. She has had kidney problems since birth and is only well enough now for surgery. Haydelina said she did not have enough money for transportation to the doctor so I gave her $20. It is important to note that she did not ask me nor did I feel she was manipulating me any way. She promised to keep me informed of Allison’s medical condition and was going to set up an email address so we could communicate. Allison was very upset when her Mom left, and I had the unenviable task of having to bear hug her as she had a full-on temper tantrum, throwing her little body against the door and screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. She settled down afterwards but it was difficult to watch. I don’t know how often she sees her mother but she is obviously very attached to her.

Although Allison has settled in, she is still overwhelmed by the largeness of El Crucero compared with what she has known. She whimpers at times but then gets distracted. I still think it was a good decision to give her the opportunity to see this and I am happy for it.

Next on our agenda was to take new pictures of all the children which they really enjoyed it. The each took turns jumping into the chair and holding up their names signs all watching each other and encouraging them to smile.

We all went to mass in their beautiful little church, completely intact and well kept. I wondered where did the money come for the upkeep of this building given the state of the rest of the facility. Mass was nice, even though I couldn’t understand the priest speaking in Spanish. Not being able to follow what he was saying gave me the opportunity to look around and observe all of the children. I was amazed at the behavior of them all, even the very little ones. Joseph who is 2 and had been battling a fever since we arrived, sat quietly with his head nodding and eyes closing as he tried to stay awake without complaint or direction.

Allison knew when to stand, when to sit, make the sign of the cross and hold out her hands, palms up in benediction. I was stunned! She is going to be 5 in April and has the presence and understanding of a child much older. A 4 year old in the U.S. would never have behaved this way. After mass, she ran up to priest, shook his hand and then hugged all of the nuns.

Dinner was rice and beans plus eggs. Now, I am heartily sick of rice and beans! After dinner, I met with Sr. M&M to review the Orphan’s Hope Project Understanding document, another big agenda point for my trip. This document outlines a shared understanding of responsibility on both sides; for us in the MoH/OHP and for the nuns at El Crucero. While not a legal document in anyway, it does make clear what we expect from them in terms of communication, receipts and efforts on the part of the children in return for our monthly and special project funding. Unfortunately, Helena had left and without a translator the meeting was painful. While we stumbled along using hand signs and my Spanish dictionary, I was sure I conveyed only a portion of what I wanted her to understand. But as she would not attend tomorrow morning’s meeting due to school, I wanted to at least try to get some of the information across to her since she is my main contact person at the orphanage. At the end, I think she “got “ most of it albeit without the details.

The girls had wanted to give us a special performance and in a large room next door, that shockingly had lights on, we went over to see their “perform”. Most of the children were up on a small stage dancing to current Nicaraguan music. Although some of the moves were a bit suggestive – think swiveling hips and rocking chests – they were having a wonderful time letting off steam and acting like the teenagers that they are. I had to remind myself that this is a cultural way of expressing themselves and my American sensibilities did not apply here. The little children were eager to dance along, even the boys jumping and spinning in the air.

They asked Mariel and I to come up to dance with them for a bit which we did. Sr. M&M took pictures of both of us (which will never appear in public or on Facebook) and the kids appreciated that we joined them. I left the stage to sit with poor Allison who was terrified by the loud music and yelling. I’d had enough of the pounding music by then also so we sat on the side and waited for them to be done. Afterwards, I gave out presents to all. Everyone got something and it went well. We took pictures of the giving of the presents from the sponsors and then asked the other children to come up and choose something from the table. M&M let them select what they wanted. The donated Barbies that I had brought were a big hit.

Dinner was at 8:30pm. Rice and Beans but this time with scrambled eggs that we had brought. I was pleased to see a change in the cuisine but hoped that the children would also see some of these eggs. It was very late when we ate and Mariel and I were dismayed at the lack of coordination. The children were running all over the place, and their dinner was haphazard. The children never seem to eat all together. I am very anxious but hopeful that Madre Griselda will put structure in place that is coordinated and scheduled. This oversight, not only for meals, but play time is very badly needed.

To bed tonight and sleep is illusive. This has been a truly a great and terrible trip, in equal measure. I am still processing what I have seen. We leave El Crucero tomorrow for the “real” world of Managua and the MoH compound. I don’t think I will be able to talk about much of this yet as it is still tightly woven in my mind and I’m afraid all that would come out is tears.

Thursday– Feb 17

I was up early again to catch the bus with Helena to Managua, about a 15 minute ride. As we waited by the side of the dusty road, a few chickens and a very large rooster walked by. I wondered if it was the same bird that kept crowing at 3 am. Apparently, they don’t only crow at dawn.

The bus arrived, an old school bus converted for public transportation. It cost 3 cordoba, about 1.5 cents to ride and they are usually extremely crowded with people literally hanging out the door. Luckily, this bus was not that full and we were able to get seats. It became crowded afterwards though and we were in very close quarters until we reached Managua. I was very happy to have Helena with me and especially when we had to get off as I would never have found the stop.

We walked a bit to our where we were meeting up with Mariel and Sr. M&M. Once meeting Mariel, we waited for almost an hour for Sr. M&M. She is always late, it must be the Nicaragua time thing. While we waited, Helena told me that we happened to be right next to an orphanage that had a reputation for being very well run. Of course I wanted to see this so we went over and asked if we could meet with the director, who kindly obliged us. The orphanage was very nice, the grounds well kept. No children were about though as it was school time. The younger non-school age children were not around either. The director told us that they had children ages birth to 7 and that at seven, they tried to have them adopted.

She also said that they received funds from the government. This obviously accounted for the condition of the facility. Inside was neat and clean and while not lavish by any standards, they had offices with computers set up for running the facility. The grounds inside the compound were well manicured, with the hard backed dirt swept and raked of the falling leaves that left neat areas for walking and play. We thanked her for her time and went back to our meeting place.

As I am typing this, a car is driving by with a loud speaker blasting someone talking in Spanish. They do this a lot here, either to promote something for sale or the government. I don’t know what they are saying but they definitely want you to hear it as it is very loud and unavoidable.

Sr. M&M and her driver were waiting for us and I was happy to see Sayda, a young girl from El Crucero. Sayda had been having a lot of problems with her eyes and we had asked her sponsor for additional funding for glasses. She was wearing them now and also a beautiful smile. Mariel had told me that Sayda is studying to be a nun. She is very obedient and eager to serve others; the hallmark of the nuns I have met here. Sayda was going to Juan Pablo to help with the younger children. We dropped her off there, and I got a quick hug from Allison. It was also confirmed that we would be able to bring Allison with us to El Crucero for the next few days and I was happy to hear this.

But first we had some shopping to do. We drove to the Oriental market which has a reputation for being dangerous and rough, especially in the inner parts of the market. This is one of the largest markets in Nicaragua and sells everything; from jeans to electronics to guava fruit. The streets were packed with people and cars jostling for parking spaces. We followed Sr. M&M and wound our way through the stalls and booths, stopping at some to check pricing. We ended up at a booth that M&M approved of and spent the next 2 hours buying uniforms. Poor Mariel was beginning to come down with a cold and didn’t feel well. It was difficult for all of us to sit and wait in the heat and close quarters but worse for her as we waited. I felt a little badly that both she and Helena had to sit through this process but this is one of the things that I had come to do and there was no other option but to stick it out. After purchasing the uniforms, we moved on to shoes where we spent another 2 hours. Sr. M&M had the foot outlines drawn on paper for each of the children at El Crucero and Juan Pablo. She would pick a style and match the sizing up to the page. In both instances, I am sure the vendors were happy to have our business as we were buying in such quantity.

In all, we were at the Oriental Market for 5 hours. We bought 30 skirts, 40 shirts, 10 pants, underwear, socks, and 30 pairs of shoes. All of it cost less than $1000. As I took the cordoba out of my wallet, I told M&M that this money had come from the children’s sponsors and friends in the United States. She said she understood and thanked me for being the “bridge” for making this happen. I felt humbled, knowing that this money that came from the generous people back home would make such a big impact on the children.

At this point, it was 2:30 and we hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast. We were all hungry and drained so we left to eat at Tip Top, a fast food chicken place that I had eaten at before. Although Sr. M&M also wanted to buy baby clothes and other supplies at the market, we agreed that I would give her money for this purpose as none of us could face going back to the market. By now it was 4pm (they eat very slowly in Nicagaua, Mariel and I were down way before the others) and we still had a lot to do.

We left to pick up Allison and Rosita, another little girl that would be returning to El Crucero, both of them are 4. Allison was sleeping when we arrived but up and excited to go, they even packed a little bag for her. Our first stop was the food store. I wanted to bring up fruits and vegetables. I also knew that Allison had never been to a supermarket before and wanted her to have the experience. As we rode in the car to the store, I also realized this was the first time that she had ever ridden in a car. The magnitude of this floored me. To be able to give her this opportunity, that for us is a common, every day occurence, made me feel both happy and sad.
At the food store, she and Rosita were very excited to ride in the shopping cars with the little cars on the front end. They whooped and laughed while “driving” the cars for us. It was such a pleasure to see her enjoying this. You would have thought we brought her to an amusement park. Sayda was also with us, and I asked if she would like something. She immediately smiled a huge grin and asked for an apple. I asked her to get one for each of the little girls too as apples are a rare treat in Nicaragua. They are not locally grown and because they are imported, much too expensive to buy. They cost about 5 cents each; very small change for us.

It was now full dark as we drove back to NiCasa, the Mission of Hope compound, to pick up my things and the gifts and other items that I had with me for the children. The beat up old van now held 6 adults, 2 children, all of our shopping, our personal bags and one HUGE suitcase.

Our drive to El Crucero was about 45 minutes up a mountain road. As we left the lights of the city, Allison, who had been excited and bubbly now turned quiet and started to whimper. She said she was afraid and wanted to go back to Casa Cuna (the other name for Juan Pablo). As I held her and tried to sooth her, I realized that she had probably never been out of the city before and that the unremitting darkness was something very alien to her. There were no city lights or noises to steer by and she felt lost and afraid. We did our best to assure her that she was safe. The sky was truly amazing without any lights polluting the night. It was a blue/black color with pin hole bright white stars.

We arrived at El Crucero around 7pm. As we brought in all of our bags, the children surrounded us. The children are always very affectionate, hugging and tugging at me and trying to get close. I was surrounded by many of them and worked hard at remembering many of their names.

After greeting the Sisters, and the children had gone back to their rooms, taking Allison with them, we were served dinner. We hadn’t expected this but it gave us a good opportunity to talk to Madre Griselda, the new mother superior. Meeting and talking with her was a big part of my mission on this trip and I was pleased to do so. I liked her right away. She had a wonderful smile that crinkled her eyes when she spoke and her face was very expressive when she talked or listened. This is not always the case with the Nicaragua people and it sometimes hard to gauge what reaction they are having to what we say and do. But with Madre, I was comfortable from the start that she understood us and our intentions. I was very glad that we had Helena with us to translate though or our conversation would have been drastically different.

Dinner was rice and beans and served to us in the Nun’s dining room. The single bulb in the ceiling didn’t illuminate the corners of the room and it felt other-wordly. They served us on their mis-matched dishes and cups with graciousness.

After dinner, we spoke with Madre Griselda at length. She told us that at night, the Nuns patrol the property to watch for thieves. They wear men’s clothes and hats so the thieves will not know they are Nuns. Their security system consists of a .38, a shotgun and also a very mean dog that can be let out only when the children are not around. They do have a single security guard at the gate, but that is not enough to patrol the entire facility. And when that Security Guard is not on duty, four nuns stay awake at one time to keep watch. As I listened to this, becoming more and more incredulous as she spoke, Madre Griselda started to smile at the look on our faces. She laughed and said that I could take a “turn” patrolling during our stay if I wanted to. This woman had a sense of humor!

Their major concern is the electricity. The transformer is old and blasts power surges through the line that have blown out light bulbs, 3 computers and a refrigerator. The cost needed to replace it is $15,000. Because it is on their property, the utility company will not pay for a new one however, Madre felt that if they could raise half, $7500, the electric company might be persuaded to waive the remaining cost. She then told us some of her plans for El Crucero. She has ideas about making products for sale and has approached large businesses such as Parmelat (a large milk/dairy company in the country) to ask for aid. She said that she wanted help themselves and not live on hand outs. This was the first time I had heard the Nuns speak of their own plans to make positive change in their lives and those of the children. I was very impressed and told her so. I knew then that we would be able to work with this woman to help them improve their quality of life and it wouldn’t only be a one-sided effort. I really liked her.

Mariel had left the conversation early as she really didn’t feel well. Helena, Allison and I now made our way over to the older girls dorm where were staying. There is little to no electric as many of the lights don’t work. Inside the dorm, we made our way around using the small flashlight I was glad to have brought. The older girls seemed excited to have the three of us adults staying with them. There 10 bunk beds all moved to one side of the room to avoid being placed under the broken ceiling where the rock had come through and punched a hole in the roof. Allison was already settled into my bunk and asleep so I attempted a perfunctory wash of my hands and face using a bucket and brushed my teeth over the toilet bowl. To use the toilet, you “flushed” by pouring another bucket of water down to force the toilet to empty.

The bed did not have a mattress, just a blanket over a wooden platform. As I tried to find a comfortable position, and settled in next to Allison, I heard the wind howling around the corners and into the open crevices of the room. The room was cold but they had given us enough blankets to be comfortable under them. I thought it was a good thing that it was dark and I couldn’t see well into the room. I wasn’t sure what the next day would bring but I couldn’t help but feel as if I had fallen down the rabbit hole into Alice’s in Wonderland’s world.

I will post the pictures to go with this story when I return to the US.